Here’s the thing about anxiety, it’s not one thing. The word “anxiety” is misused referring to stress or nervousness. Those feelings are recognised as symptoms of anxiety but when it’s an anxiety disorder those symptoms are felt to the extreme. Have you ever not slept for three days because you’ve convinced yourself you’ve got a terminal illness? Have you had panic attacks in the middle of exams? Have you ever cried uncontrollably because your worries are so overwhelming despite there being no evidence to say the situation is even that serious? That’s what it feels like to have an anxiety disorder.
These aren’t fleeting worries or stresses. The worry itself is all you can think about and all you can focus on. You may not be able to eat or sleep, the thoughts and worries attach themselves to your mind and taunt you endlessly. The worst-case scenario goes from being a possibility to something that will absolutely happen because the universe is punishing you. The self-loathing begins and then you find yourself unable to escape the worry to the point you feel worthlessness and complete despair. This turns into a dark mood and any piece of hope seems to disappear. This is how I felt at my worst. Racing thoughts are not fun.
I’ve suddenly gotten a dizzy spell and my hands started tingling, all because a thought crossed my mind that I didn’t want to think about. I’ve obsessed over things I’ve said for days and replaying conversations in my mind again and again. I’ve suddenly forgotten how to make conversation with people making socialising even more stressful sometimes. Here’s another thing, people think that anxiety sufferers are overdramatic or that it isn’t a real valid condition. It’s dismissed, laughed off, trivialised and ignored. Anxiety is embarrassing. It’s distressing, disruptive and it’s real.
Anxiety disorders are complicated and hard to explain in words. Being nervous before an exam is normal. Feeling jittery and excited the day before a big holiday is normal. Getting stressed out in Tesco because it’s busy and you can’t stand being around crowds and queues for more than an hour is normal. Not sleeping for two days before a big trip out of worry over minor details is not healthy. Having a panic attack in Tesco and abandoning a half full trolley because you’re overwhelmed is not healthy. Anxiety is to the extreme of everything.
The thing about anxiety is that there is light at the end of the tunnel, as corny as that sounds. Sometimes you must remember that it’s the anxiety talking. Remember that you’re here present in this moment and you have a healthy body and you’ve been given no discernible reason to believe you could possibly have a terminal illness.
I’ve done it all, Lexapro, Xanax, therapy, CBD and cardio sessions and I still have anxiety. There’s a difference between before and now. Before, I let my thoughts spiral out of control and felt like I was going crazy. Now, I understand when this starts to happen and I try my best to “deprogramme” myself again. Sometimes I stumble. Treating anxiety requires constant vigilance and maintenance. It’s an ongoing process.
I cannot speak for anyone with PTSD, OCD or severe social anxiety because these are not conditions that I have experience with. Each of these are routinely misunderstood or expressed as moods by non-suffering folk. OCD is not colour coordinating your wardrobe on a boring Sunday afternoon, social anxiety is not just the jitters before a party and PTSD is a serious and debilitating condition suffered by those who have experienced traumatic events, it is not to be trivialised.
People who do not suffer from this don’t understand the embarrassment and shame attached to it. At my worst, I didn’t want to reveal what was bothering me because a lot of the time, my worries were absolutely ridiculous. The fear of being laughed at was strong and for that to happen would be very hurtful to me. In the depths of an episode, you really do feel like there is no way out and that you must wait for the worst thing to happen. It’s taken a long time for me to discuss my own mind and the ways it’s betrayed me. Anxiety is real but not everything you think is.
ruralriotmag 